An Introduction

The following is copied (although I did update it a bit) from an old blog I kept.  I am shutting down that blog in favor of this, but thought that the following is a good introduction to how I came to be a submissive husband in a female led marriage.  For those of you who may have read this before, please forgive the redundancy, I will begin posting new blogs after this.....


In order to tell the story of my journey into a female led marriage, I think I must begin with how my desire to follow a strong woman has developed throughout my life.

I was raised in a family (not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well) of strong women, not domineering, but strong. The men in my family, while not necessarily submissive to the women, always treated the women with great respect. I was taught to respect and value women.

Sometime, shortly after reaching puberty I was exposed to a magazine which contained an interview with a professional dominatrix. I am sure I already had submissive leanings prior to seeing this magazine, and you can imagine what that did to me. Seeing the pictures of this beautiful, leather clad, whip wielding woman I am positive insured for life that I would have a need to submit to women. It was not just the pictures that intrigued me, but the interview as well, to a sexually charged and frustrated young boy the idea of worshiping her body and being punished by her was an incredible turn-on.

Through my teens I had a wild "femdom" fantasy life. The idea of a girl/woman dominating me was a part of almost all my fantasies at that time. It was just a fantasy though.

I was shy, I was definitely not a ladies man. I never actually had a "girlfriend" in high school, although there was one girl with whom I had some sort of a relationship that went beyond just "friends". I had a terrific crush on her, she loved teasing me. We never got beyond a little touching and kissing. Looking back on this relationship I can see that it was definitely a tease & denial scenario. She used to love to touch and kiss me, and allow me to touch and kiss her. She would get me so turned-on, but would never take me to the finish line.

Through my twenties I learned more about "femdom". I found femdom magazines and videos, and even tried "phone domination" a couple of times. These things were sexually exciting, but I was realising that I wanted more than just kink.

I wanted a real relationship, where the woman led not just in the bedroom. I wanted to love a woman, to pamper her, to put her on a pedestal, to be her protector. But where could I find a woman who was interested being the dominant partner in a loving relationship? I needed to find someone who would understand that even though I had these submissive desires I was still a man, I am strong and protective. I have feelings and emotions too, I am not just a toy to be used and discarded.

At around thirty years old I first went on the internet. I was amazed at all the "femdom" stuff available online. There was lots of "wacking material", and I did my fair share of "wacking", but I still wanted to find a real relationship.

Eventually I did meet a woman. I was setting up a website dealing with another subject entirely, and was having some difficulties. I went to a message board where you could discuss web-design, and was helped by a very nice lady there. It turned out that one of her sites was a femdom site. She was a former professional dominatrix who had a website and was offering "email training" for "online slaves".

I joined her site and became one of her online slaves. Our relationship progressed, and I became far more than one of her normal "online slaves", we only met in person once, but for over two years I served her and learned so much.

She taught me a great deal about following a strong woman. She taught me that it is not all about sex or kink. I learned that the reality of serving is much different than the fantasy. It is not always easy to serve, and that at times I would fail. It was important for me to be able to learn to deal with the times I failed in a positive way, to move forward, and to keep my goals clearly in view.

I will not say too much about this relationship other than that it was a wonderful learning experience, and I will always be grateful to her for what she taught me about myself and the reality of serving a woman. We parted amicably, I needed to move on and have a real-time physical relationship, she understood my need, and I understood that she could not have such a relationship with me at that time.

I knew that it was time for me to find a woman I could marry, and spend the rest of my life with. I also knew that my sexual kinks might get in the way, so it was time for a little soul searching.

I had to decide just what my priorities were. Could I be happy in a marriage without any kink? Could I be happy in a marriage that was not wife-led? Could I truly be happy in just a normal, everyday vanilla marriage? I decided that with the right woman, whom I truly loved and respected I could, probably. I also realised that these things were very important to me, and that I would probably be much happier if I could find a woman who might be open to some of these things.

I placed personal advertisements on various online services, and began getting a few responses. I received several responses to my personal ads, but most were not pursued after an initial email or two. I received several responses from women in other countries, Malaysia in particular, I suppose these women were mostly looking for a way into the United States.

Many of the responses I received, even from women in this country, were so poorly written that they were difficult to follow. I wanted to find a woman who was intelligent and articulate enough to at least write a simple, understandable email. Finally I received an email that was not only understandable, it was very well written, and quite intriguing.

I began exchanging emails with this person, and we finally decided to meet in person. I asked to meet her for coffee, just a cup of coffee, a little talk to get to know each other in person, and then we would go our separate ways, and decide if we wanted to see each other again. I thought this would be the low pressure way to meet. If one of us was really uncomfortable with the other we would have an easy out. She kept telling me that I would not want to leave when the time came, that I would want to spend the whole day with her.

She was right, we ended up spending the whole day together. We met for coffee, we chatted, and I didn't want to leave, I wanted to spend more time with this intriguing woman and get to know her better. We spent a lot of time walking and talking, getting to know each other, I think I was already falling in love.

Things progressed, I fell more and more in love with this woman, and she fell in love with me as well. I knew the time had come for me to talk to her about my desires to submit to a woman.

One evening while we were cuddling on the couch in her apartment I broached the subject. I tried to keep it as kink free as I could, I tried to keep it more about the emotional side, but I had a very difficult time expressing my thoughts and desires. Although I tried to convey to her that this was about more than just sex, I think she thought I was just talking about some bedroom games. She was open-minded about it, she didn't scream at me to get out of her house, or even call me a pervert.

A few months later I married my beautiful MsExotic, and that is where this story really begins...

MsExotic and I have been married for over nine years now. It has been wonderful, I am a very fortunate man.

We have experimented with her leading throughout these years. To be honest she has always led, it is just that at times her leadership has been more overt than at others. I continued to attempt to communicate my desire for her to take more of the lead in our marriage, but unfortunately I did not communicate very well. It was not her fault that she did not understand, it was mine. I was unable to communicate the depth of my feelings, desire, and need to submit. Somehow I always made it seem to her like I just wanted more bedroom games.

She could not get a handle on this being more than just a sexual desire that I wanted only in the bedroom. Often I would do things to re-enforce this assumption. There were times when she would try to lead and I would not follow, or would even actively resist. I would snap at her, or get grumpy at times. I did not mean to act in these ways, sometimes I was tired, or frustrated, or just human, but every time I would act in such a way it served to push her away from taking more overt control of our relationship.

Part of my problem was that I had my own expectations of what our relationship should be like, and if she did not lead according to my preconceived ideas I was resistant to follow. I was terribly impatient, and I could not see how difficult this all was for her. It wasn't that it was difficult for her to lead, it was difficult for her to live up to my idea of what her leadership should look like. I expected her to go from a strong but vanilla woman to a whip wielding dominatrix immediately. At the time I did not realize I was doing this, but looking back I can see that my expectations were totally unrealistic.

I am terribly sorry, looking back, for the way I acted at times. She was always trying to understand me, and help me, but honestly I was making things too much about myself.

I have always tried to serve her and make her happy. From the beginning of our marriage I have always tried to put her on a pedestal. I have always tried to show her I love her, and tried to make her happy. I try to do little things to please her such as making and serving her coffee in the morning. I do most of the cooking, and try to do more than my share of the cleaning. In these ways I was a very unselfish husband, but I wanted her to lead me according to my preconceived ideas, instead of allowing her to truly lead, and accepting her ideal of leadership. When it came to how she led, I was very selfish.

I think that MsExotic, aside from thinking that this was really just a sexual fantasy to me, worried about appearing bossy or bitchy if she took on the role of leader in a more overt way. Society tends to disapprove of a woman in the leadership role in a relationship. Women are taught that they should submit to their husband, if they are not submissive they are often seen as a bitch, or shrew.

I hope this is not sounding like MsExotic and I had a difficult relationship, because that was not the case. We had a great marriage and we loved each other deeply. Even though we did not know the terms Female led, or Wife Led Marriage up to this point, that is what we had, at least most of the time. The marriage was great, we just sometimes struggled in our roles as dominant and submissive, it seemed that life would get in the way at times.

Finally around October of 2008 I was on the Internet trying to find more information about "femdom marriages", when I came across the term "Female Led Relationships". I had not known that term before, but when I followed up on it I found a website called Around Her Finger . I read everything on the website, and was so excited. This was what I had been trying to tell my wife, and it was explained in a way that was non-threatening to women. A few days later I ordered the book "Around Her Finger" by Ken Addison.

The book arrived and I quickly read it, I was so excited. I thought that this book came closer than anything I had ever found to putting my desires into words in a way that was friendly to women. I asked my wife to read the book and, if she was willing, to talk with me about it after she had finished.

A few days later she read the book, and we had our talk. As we talked I could see that she was beginning to really understand me and my desires. She agreed that we would try a more formal Wife Led Marriage. She would again manage my orgasms (she has done this off and on throughout our marriage). I would be expected to serve her, but that this time I was to submit and to follow her in her way.