Punishment

As was posted sometime back, I had taken matters into my own hands, and masturbated to conclusion a couple of weeks ago while out of town.  That is a no-no around here, but we have been so busy I wasn't really punished.....until last night.

The following is an account, as best I can recall, of what happened.  Please understand much of this is a bit blurry to me, it was all happening fairly quickly, and I was just trying to follow direction, and accept the punishment as best I could.

Before I begin the description I think it is necessary to establish a few points.  First is that Ms Exotic really does not have that many rules for me, but not masturbating without her permission is an important one.  When I took matters into my own hands I did not do so without giving it some thought first.

I was fairly sure that if I could discuss it with Ms Exotic that she would have blessed me with permission to ejaculate under the circumstances, had I not believed this I would not have done it.  I also knew that did not excuse me from going ahead and making the decision myself, and that it would be necessary that I be punished for my actions.  I felt that under the circumstances it was something that I needed to do, and that I would take responsibility for my actions and accept whatever punishment that Ms Exotic felt appropriate.  I felt that Ms Exotic would be somewhat lenient with me due to the circumstances.  I still feel that Ms Exotic was quite lenient with me, and I would like to publicly thank her for her mercy and grace.  I know that she punished me out of love, and honestly I know that I was forgiven as soon as I told her what had happened.

I believe that this punishment was administered in order to strengthen our bond as Domme and sub.  I also believe that is the intent of this rule in our marriage.  I agree with this rule, in fact I am sure I was the one who proposed that she take control of my orgasms when we married.

I am grateful to her for taking the lead in our marriage, for the rules she has established, and for the punishment she administers when a rule is broken.  I also understand that there must be consequences when a rule is broken, otherwise what is the point of the rule in the first place?

While I did not break this rule in order to be punished, I would have been disappointed had I not been punished.  You see, I really do feel that some rules are important in a FLR, those rules can be whatever the woman chooses, but I do feel that there needs to be some parameters established.  In my opinion, without some parameters being established the sub is going to feel lost, and just be wandering aimlessly in the wake of the leader.

Now, I also need to point out that Ms Exotic does not feel that punishment should be fun for her sub.  I agree with her.  We do play with discipline and pain on occasion, but we see punishment as something completely different.

While punishment may involve the same implements, and even similar actions, there is a difference.  Play and discipline are intended to involve a level of pleasure, they strengthen our bond through erotic pleasure for us both.  In other words play and discipline are intended to elicit a positive reaction.

Punishment strengthens our bond as well, but in a different way.  Punishment is intended to correct a behavior, in other words it is intended to cause the punished to equate negative behavior to negative results.  So.... if I masturbate without permission, instead of just having a nice orgasm, something negative is going to happen as well.  That negative needs to outweigh the positive of the orgasm.  

Finally it is necessary to point out that I have a fairly high pain threshold, and am fairly experienced at receiving pain.  I have been in D/s relationships that have involved pain used as play, discipline, and punishment for sometime.

I am a masochist and I am capable of taking a fairly serious whipping.  Please do not think that Ms Exotic was in anyway cruel or over the top in what she did to me.  Everything was consensual, and it was all well within my ability to deal with.  Some people may think that what occurred was extreme, others will think it mild.  It is all a matter of perspective.  While some may argue that our play and punishment does not qualify as safe and sane, it is all consensual.

Now, on to the play by play:

It started off with Ms Exotic tickling me, which I hate.  She had me lay on my back, and she used a feather tickler.  It has a whippy handle with feathers on the end, it can be used to tickle, and the handle makes a light spanking implement as well.  So she started trying to tickle me, and giving me a few swats mostly on the penis and testicles with this tickler, but for some reason I just wasn't as ticklish as normal.  Since that wasn't having the desired effect, she switched tools.

She used a rawhide quirt that I bought for her about a year ago.   This quirt can be quite extreme.

She had me still laying on my back, with my legs spread.  She began quirting the inside of my right thigh, right below my scrotum, over and over.  She didn't start out light, there was no warm up.  She just kept hitting the same spot over and over, hard.

Things are sort of a blur from this point on.  I remember closing my legs at one point, and her telling me to open them back up and take my punishment.  I think I did okay.  I just concentrated on breathing, keeping my legs spread, and my body as still as I could from then on.  I have no idea how many swats she gave me, or how long this lasted.  She just kept hitting that same area on the inside of my thigh, the only exception being a few swats to my testicles, I could not hold still on those, but I tried very hard not to cover up.  One swat to the testicles in particular absolutely doubled me over, and it took me a minute to recover from that one.  I think Ms Exotic said she hit it with the edge of the popper on the quirt.  I just know it made me see stars.

Eventually she stopped, and lectured me on how important she felt it was that I not touch myself in that way ever again, no matter the circumstances.  She then told me to begin stroking my penis, and make it hard.  This was scary, because I knew something was going to happen and it was not going to be fun.  So I reached down and began stroking, immediately she began whipping that same area on my inner thigh extremely hard, and I mean extremely hard.  Holy #*&% it hurt!  I had been trying to keep the noise levels down previous to this, but I think I may have been screaming at this point.  I don't remember really how loud I was, but I know I was begging her to please allow me to stop touching myself, because I knew the only way she was going to stop whipping me was when I stopped touching myself, but since she had told me to play with it I didn't dare stop without her permission.  Finally she told me I could stop, and she stopped whipping me as soon as I let go of my penis.  She made me do this two or three more times.

I am not sure the order of things from here on, but I think that next she had me roll over and she whipped my bottom and the backs of my thighs for a while.  She then began to tickle me, I think with the lanyard from the quirt.  Whatever it was it worked much better than the feathers had, I was going crazy, and really struggling trying to keep reasonably still.  She also whipped me a bit with something thumpy, I think it may have been the handle of the quirt, but I am not sure.

I think that it was after whipping my behind that she said it was time to punish me for arguing with her a few nights ago.  Don't think I had mentioned it here, but I had argued with her over something that really upset, and actually scared me a bit, with regards to her safety.  But the bottom line is I should have handled it differently, and not argued with her.

Anyway, for this she broke out the tweezers.  She began pulling hairs from my lower back, and from various areas between my legs.  Sometimes it was one hair at a time, sometimes multiple, and she doesn't pull them quickly when she does this to me.  She pulls them very slowly, and when she grabs multiples I get to feel every single one of them come out.

This is one of her stand-by punishments, and believe me it is not much fun for me, she on the other hand always seems to think it is quite funny.  This went on for quite awhile, with her lecturing me, and asking me how I could have handled it better, how I will handle it in the future, was I really sorry, etc.  I am not sure, but I think that she quirted my behind some more, and spanked me a bit with her hand at some point as well.

Eventually she stopped, I was pretty exhausted by this time.  She had me roll over, and she got astraddle of me, allowing me to enter her.  She rode me for quite awhile, edging me over and over, and eventually giving me a ruined orgasm.  After that she had me make her some tea, then sent me to bed, while she took a bath.

If any of you think that this was fun believe me, except for her riding me and giving me the ruined orgasm, it wasn't at the time.  I know that reading about this it can sound kind of hot especially to us masochists, heck it even sound hot to me now, but last night it was not so hot.  My behind is okay this morning, but my inner thigh is still extremely tender, and shows a bit of bruising.

I would like to publicly apologize to Ms Exotic, Ms Erotic, and the entire Men Submit community.  As Ms Exotic explained to me last night since she is one of the owners of this site, and I am her husband, I am to be held to a high standard of behavior.  I am sorry for disobeying her, and arguing with her, and will strive to be better behaved in the future.

Tension (the good kind)

As I am writing this post I am waiting for Ms Exotic to come home, it is late, and I am very tired after a long, hot, day.  However, I am so excited!  I wonder what will happen when she gets here?  

Perhaps she will be tired, she has been working late as well after all.  Maybe she will just cuddle with me, hopefully allow me to stimulate her, I'd love to give her a nice orgasm.  Afterward, maybe she will give my testicles a squeeze, or a swat, roll over and go to sleep as I rub her back.  

Maybe she won't be so tired though, maybe she will be in the mood to play!  What might she have in store for me tonight?  When she is in the mood to play I never know what to expect, but often it is mind blowing!

There is the possibility too that tonight I may be punished.  You see I have earned some punishments that are yet to be meted out over the past couple of weeks.  Perhaps corporal punishment, but possibly excluded from her bed, or ignored by her.  I could be made to stay up even later doing extra chores, or perhaps writing lines, or an essay.  Real punishments given by Ms Exotic tend to not be fun, even the corporal ones.  

Even when we are together, I never know what her next touch will bring.  Will it be blissfully pleasurable, or will it test my pain threshold to the limit.  She often laughs at me, sometimes I will flinch when we are laying together and she moves.  Sometimes she can just sense my nervous tension, I live life on the edge(hahahaha), but I wouldn't have it any other way.  


I think that this is one of the things I love most about being in a FLR, especially one that involves kink.  There is a sexual tension between Ms Exotic and I, even after years of marriage.  I am so excited as I wait for her to arrive, wondering what the night will bring.  I am fighting fatigue bordering on exhaustion, but  still I couldn't fall asleep now if I tried.  It's not just tonight though, this sexual energy is there between us almost always.  Once in a great while life will really get the better of us for a short time, and it may seemingly disappear, but that doesn't happen often.  It does wax and wane somewhat, that is true, but it is almost always there to some degree.  I see other couples that seem to have lost that sexual energy from their relationship, and I feel so grateful that we have chosen the path we have.  Our FLR, and the kink we engage in, keeps things so fresh and exciting.

One thing I can say for sure, life is not boring when you are married to Ms Exotic.

Irony

I see discussion fairly often on forums and blogs in which people seem to find poly/ cuckoldry quite offensive. They also seem to think that the cuckold is some poor pathetic being, and often those that are cuckolds seem to like to think of themselves as pathetic. I find this interesting.

This idea of being the pathetic cuckold is a turn on for many guys, to be honest myself included. I do get turned on when Ms Exotic and I are playing and she tells me how pathetic I am. Usually this is when I have just entered her, and am unable to move for fear of ejaculating, and she will laugh at me, tell me I am pathetic, and taunt me with how much better her other guy is. This of course makes me more turned on, which makes me even more inadequate. But that is play, I do not really think of myself as pathetic.

Now, I suppose that when it comes to intercourse, my performance can be described as pathetic (Merriam-Webster defines pathetic as "Pitifully inferior or inadequate." That is probably a fair assessment of my performance when it comes to sexual intercourse. However there is much more to a person than how well they can perform sexual intercourse, and I don't think that being a cuckold makes you pathetic, anymore than being a sub does. I do other things to Ms Exotic sexually at which I am definitely not inferior or inadequate.

I also do not believe that being cuckolded makes me any less of a man. I am still my family's provider and protector. I am a hard worker who is very good at what I do. I simply have a little different sex life than most vanilla men.

I am sure that we all have certain things at which we are "Pitifully inferior or inadequate." However we all have things we are great at as well.

It seems ironic to me that people who are involved in a kink oriented FLR are so judgmental about certain other kinks. I have seen this often, especially when it comes to cuckolding and poly lifestyles. You have these people who were perhaps spanking, or pegging one another last night, and they are disgusted that some other couple chooses to engage in a poly situation. It's all relative I guess, it is just interesting. The vanilla folks may think that spanking and pegging are outrageous, folks involved in these kinks may think that cuckolding is outrageous.

Ms Exotic has pointed out to me that I am being judgmental of these people, so there ya go, more irony.

There's no place like home.

Well it is good to be home.  I just got back last night from an out of town trip, it sure does feel good to be home.  I was not only out of town but had very limited access to the internet, and even to cell phone service, so I was really missing Ms Exotic by the time I got home.  We had a great time last night, it was so wonderful to have her beside me in bed again, and to feel her body responding to me.  She drove me crazy, and left me very frustrated.

There is one hitch though, I broke a rule while I was away.  The last night before I was going to be driving home I could not sleep.  I was feeling very sexually frustrated, and just could not seem to relax.  I badly needed to get some sleep as I had a sixteen hour drive ahead of me.  I was not able to reach Ms Exotic, and so I took matters into my own hands and masturbated to conclusion.  I hoped she would not be upset, and I don't think she is terribly, but she is not happy about it either.  Apparently although I received a bit of punishment last night there is more to come.  

I was quite embarrassed today when I went onto her site, mensubmit.com, and saw that she had made a post on the forum explaining what I had done, and asking for punishment suggestions.  Actually it is not suggestions as to the type of punishment that she is looking for, but instead suggestions as to the severity.  I suppose this is part of the punishment as well, it is certainly embarrassing to have this posted on a public forum.  I guess this is also part and parcel of having your wife be co-owner of a site like Men Submit.  Anyway it is out there now, so I thought I might as well write about it here as well.

If it is appropriate, and if Ms Exotic approves, I will post about the punishment once it happens.

Baby Steps

Men seem to expect that, once they have told their wife/gf of their desire to submit, she should suddenly become the Dominatrix of their fantasies. Why can't their wife/gf see that if she would just be more domineering; just give them orders instead of requests; just spank them as punishment instead of becoming all moody and pouting; everything would be wonderful? After all, if we are going to submit we need to be dominated right?

I have read this kind of thing over and over. Gentlemen do you realize that all of those statements above are about us? There is nothing there to appeal to the women we claim we want to put on a pedestal and treat like a queen. To them it just sounds like we are looking for kinky bedroom games.

The women wonder why the men are so fantasy driven. How can the men expect them to change, to become this person they are not, and don't want to be? If the men really want to pamper and adore their lady, why are they always trying to make it a kink thing? If the woman is really in charge, and she doesn't want to spank her man, why does he keep trying to push her into it? Why cant't he accept her leadership, as he claims he desires, but instead keeps trying to push her into providing him with his idea of what leadership should be?

Well, as has been pointed out many times before, most of us sub guys have had these desires for years. We have fantasized, maybe even played at them a bit, and they have evolved greatly over time. For the women we reveal our desires to this tends to be a new idea, or one that they have only vague ideas about. It is all too easy for us to overwhelm our lady with our excitement, and with our lack of understanding of their perspective at suddenly having this idea thrust upon them.

I think that we men need to learn to take baby steps when we are introducing our S.O.s to the FLR concept. Of course some women will be more open to the idea than others, and we all have to move at our own pace, but I think that often the men push to hard.

I think that men also need to learn to take pleasure and satisfaction in the little things along the way. Things like your S.O. telling you to get coffee some morning, or even chastising you a bit if you weren't quick enough with it. While it is not a flogging, little things like this do show that our women are becoming more comfortable with being in charge. We need to realize that these are small successes, and keep ourselves motivated to continue to pamper and adore her.

I also think that we need to shelve our fantasies a bit, and learn to really listen to her. My wife and I are in a fully acknowledged FLR, and have been for some time. Even so, she seldom actually gives me what most people would consider an order. She may say, "May I have another cup of coffee?" The fact is she may as well be saying, "Get me more coffee now slave-bitch!" You see both statements mean exactly the same thing. If we as subs could just understand that and stop pushing our S.O.s to dominate us in the way we want to be dominated we would be light years ahead.

It is not that men's needs, fantasies, and desires are not important, of course they are. However, if we can learn to put her first for awhile she is going to be much more open to exploring our desires. If we can support her, be grateful for the little steps she takes toward taking charge of our relationships, and stop pushing her beyond her comfort zone she is much more likely to embrace leadership.

I am not endorsing stealth submission here, please don't get that idea. I believe that we must be honest and open with our S.O.s. Communication is very important, we need to be clear about our desire to submit. We do need to allow her to move at a pace she is comfortable with though, and we also need to minimize the kink references/requests until she is ready to hear them.

Treat her like a queen and she will, sooner or later, begin to act like one.

An Introduction

The following is copied (although I did update it a bit) from an old blog I kept.  I am shutting down that blog in favor of this, but thought that the following is a good introduction to how I came to be a submissive husband in a female led marriage.  For those of you who may have read this before, please forgive the redundancy, I will begin posting new blogs after this.....


In order to tell the story of my journey into a female led marriage, I think I must begin with how my desire to follow a strong woman has developed throughout my life.

I was raised in a family (not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well) of strong women, not domineering, but strong. The men in my family, while not necessarily submissive to the women, always treated the women with great respect. I was taught to respect and value women.

Sometime, shortly after reaching puberty I was exposed to a magazine which contained an interview with a professional dominatrix. I am sure I already had submissive leanings prior to seeing this magazine, and you can imagine what that did to me. Seeing the pictures of this beautiful, leather clad, whip wielding woman I am positive insured for life that I would have a need to submit to women. It was not just the pictures that intrigued me, but the interview as well, to a sexually charged and frustrated young boy the idea of worshiping her body and being punished by her was an incredible turn-on.

Through my teens I had a wild "femdom" fantasy life. The idea of a girl/woman dominating me was a part of almost all my fantasies at that time. It was just a fantasy though.

I was shy, I was definitely not a ladies man. I never actually had a "girlfriend" in high school, although there was one girl with whom I had some sort of a relationship that went beyond just "friends". I had a terrific crush on her, she loved teasing me. We never got beyond a little touching and kissing. Looking back on this relationship I can see that it was definitely a tease & denial scenario. She used to love to touch and kiss me, and allow me to touch and kiss her. She would get me so turned-on, but would never take me to the finish line.

Through my twenties I learned more about "femdom". I found femdom magazines and videos, and even tried "phone domination" a couple of times. These things were sexually exciting, but I was realising that I wanted more than just kink.

I wanted a real relationship, where the woman led not just in the bedroom. I wanted to love a woman, to pamper her, to put her on a pedestal, to be her protector. But where could I find a woman who was interested being the dominant partner in a loving relationship? I needed to find someone who would understand that even though I had these submissive desires I was still a man, I am strong and protective. I have feelings and emotions too, I am not just a toy to be used and discarded.

At around thirty years old I first went on the internet. I was amazed at all the "femdom" stuff available online. There was lots of "wacking material", and I did my fair share of "wacking", but I still wanted to find a real relationship.

Eventually I did meet a woman. I was setting up a website dealing with another subject entirely, and was having some difficulties. I went to a message board where you could discuss web-design, and was helped by a very nice lady there. It turned out that one of her sites was a femdom site. She was a former professional dominatrix who had a website and was offering "email training" for "online slaves".

I joined her site and became one of her online slaves. Our relationship progressed, and I became far more than one of her normal "online slaves", we only met in person once, but for over two years I served her and learned so much.

She taught me a great deal about following a strong woman. She taught me that it is not all about sex or kink. I learned that the reality of serving is much different than the fantasy. It is not always easy to serve, and that at times I would fail. It was important for me to be able to learn to deal with the times I failed in a positive way, to move forward, and to keep my goals clearly in view.

I will not say too much about this relationship other than that it was a wonderful learning experience, and I will always be grateful to her for what she taught me about myself and the reality of serving a woman. We parted amicably, I needed to move on and have a real-time physical relationship, she understood my need, and I understood that she could not have such a relationship with me at that time.

I knew that it was time for me to find a woman I could marry, and spend the rest of my life with. I also knew that my sexual kinks might get in the way, so it was time for a little soul searching.

I had to decide just what my priorities were. Could I be happy in a marriage without any kink? Could I be happy in a marriage that was not wife-led? Could I truly be happy in just a normal, everyday vanilla marriage? I decided that with the right woman, whom I truly loved and respected I could, probably. I also realised that these things were very important to me, and that I would probably be much happier if I could find a woman who might be open to some of these things.

I placed personal advertisements on various online services, and began getting a few responses. I received several responses to my personal ads, but most were not pursued after an initial email or two. I received several responses from women in other countries, Malaysia in particular, I suppose these women were mostly looking for a way into the United States.

Many of the responses I received, even from women in this country, were so poorly written that they were difficult to follow. I wanted to find a woman who was intelligent and articulate enough to at least write a simple, understandable email. Finally I received an email that was not only understandable, it was very well written, and quite intriguing.

I began exchanging emails with this person, and we finally decided to meet in person. I asked to meet her for coffee, just a cup of coffee, a little talk to get to know each other in person, and then we would go our separate ways, and decide if we wanted to see each other again. I thought this would be the low pressure way to meet. If one of us was really uncomfortable with the other we would have an easy out. She kept telling me that I would not want to leave when the time came, that I would want to spend the whole day with her.

She was right, we ended up spending the whole day together. We met for coffee, we chatted, and I didn't want to leave, I wanted to spend more time with this intriguing woman and get to know her better. We spent a lot of time walking and talking, getting to know each other, I think I was already falling in love.

Things progressed, I fell more and more in love with this woman, and she fell in love with me as well. I knew the time had come for me to talk to her about my desires to submit to a woman.

One evening while we were cuddling on the couch in her apartment I broached the subject. I tried to keep it as kink free as I could, I tried to keep it more about the emotional side, but I had a very difficult time expressing my thoughts and desires. Although I tried to convey to her that this was about more than just sex, I think she thought I was just talking about some bedroom games. She was open-minded about it, she didn't scream at me to get out of her house, or even call me a pervert.

A few months later I married my beautiful MsExotic, and that is where this story really begins...

MsExotic and I have been married for over nine years now. It has been wonderful, I am a very fortunate man.

We have experimented with her leading throughout these years. To be honest she has always led, it is just that at times her leadership has been more overt than at others. I continued to attempt to communicate my desire for her to take more of the lead in our marriage, but unfortunately I did not communicate very well. It was not her fault that she did not understand, it was mine. I was unable to communicate the depth of my feelings, desire, and need to submit. Somehow I always made it seem to her like I just wanted more bedroom games.

She could not get a handle on this being more than just a sexual desire that I wanted only in the bedroom. Often I would do things to re-enforce this assumption. There were times when she would try to lead and I would not follow, or would even actively resist. I would snap at her, or get grumpy at times. I did not mean to act in these ways, sometimes I was tired, or frustrated, or just human, but every time I would act in such a way it served to push her away from taking more overt control of our relationship.

Part of my problem was that I had my own expectations of what our relationship should be like, and if she did not lead according to my preconceived ideas I was resistant to follow. I was terribly impatient, and I could not see how difficult this all was for her. It wasn't that it was difficult for her to lead, it was difficult for her to live up to my idea of what her leadership should look like. I expected her to go from a strong but vanilla woman to a whip wielding dominatrix immediately. At the time I did not realize I was doing this, but looking back I can see that my expectations were totally unrealistic.

I am terribly sorry, looking back, for the way I acted at times. She was always trying to understand me, and help me, but honestly I was making things too much about myself.

I have always tried to serve her and make her happy. From the beginning of our marriage I have always tried to put her on a pedestal. I have always tried to show her I love her, and tried to make her happy. I try to do little things to please her such as making and serving her coffee in the morning. I do most of the cooking, and try to do more than my share of the cleaning. In these ways I was a very unselfish husband, but I wanted her to lead me according to my preconceived ideas, instead of allowing her to truly lead, and accepting her ideal of leadership. When it came to how she led, I was very selfish.

I think that MsExotic, aside from thinking that this was really just a sexual fantasy to me, worried about appearing bossy or bitchy if she took on the role of leader in a more overt way. Society tends to disapprove of a woman in the leadership role in a relationship. Women are taught that they should submit to their husband, if they are not submissive they are often seen as a bitch, or shrew.

I hope this is not sounding like MsExotic and I had a difficult relationship, because that was not the case. We had a great marriage and we loved each other deeply. Even though we did not know the terms Female led, or Wife Led Marriage up to this point, that is what we had, at least most of the time. The marriage was great, we just sometimes struggled in our roles as dominant and submissive, it seemed that life would get in the way at times.

Finally around October of 2008 I was on the Internet trying to find more information about "femdom marriages", when I came across the term "Female Led Relationships". I had not known that term before, but when I followed up on it I found a website called Around Her Finger . I read everything on the website, and was so excited. This was what I had been trying to tell my wife, and it was explained in a way that was non-threatening to women. A few days later I ordered the book "Around Her Finger" by Ken Addison.

The book arrived and I quickly read it, I was so excited. I thought that this book came closer than anything I had ever found to putting my desires into words in a way that was friendly to women. I asked my wife to read the book and, if she was willing, to talk with me about it after she had finished.

A few days later she read the book, and we had our talk. As we talked I could see that she was beginning to really understand me and my desires. She agreed that we would try a more formal Wife Led Marriage. She would again manage my orgasms (she has done this off and on throughout our marriage). I would be expected to serve her, but that this time I was to submit and to follow her in her way.